Encouragement To Keep Writing

"Perhaps." 

Adverb. 1528. Possibly but not certainly.

"Perhaps the Lord will be with me," Caleb says in Joshua 14:12b. Which is it? Possibly? Or not certainly? Maybe or maybe not? If He is not with Caleb disaster will surely reign. Caleb will be defeated, probably humiliated.

I entered a writing contest last month.  I stumbled on it and I had just given my manuscript a read-through so I uploaded the doc and clicked submit before I could talk myself out of it.  I've been scared to submit it to actual publishers.  Scared of being rejected, of being criticized, of feeling foolish for trying.  Of doing it too soon, before the work is ready.  So, obviously it wasn't ready for a contest either but I prayed really, really hard that "perhaps" God would cause the judges to like my work. I thought it was good enough to at least place. Turns out it wasn't.  "Perhaps" turned out to be defeat.

I was discouraged the day they announced the top 30 and I went to bed without an email from them to say congratulations. My confidence wavered to the point where I wondered why I even do this. Why do I think up these stories and ping away at the keyboard of my mini-HP for hours and hours and hours? It was confirmed that my work was not that good (I even found simple, stupid flaws in it when I looked at it again) and I despaired.

I thought, perhaps...perhaps the words I string together are only intended to be shared with Him. Perhaps all the hours writing have been in vain. Perhaps God does not wish for me success the way I have defined it. Perhaps in 5 years I will look back on this time of floundering creativity and laugh at what I once thought possible.

Perhaps paralyzed me.

But I studied more closely the Joshua 14 passage and I saw that Caleb was not shrinking nor wavering in confidence. He approached Joshua with boldness, recounting all the ways God had been faithful to him over the years. He had equal boldness in facing the still uncertain future. Excitement even, energy and enthusiasm for what he expected God to do--what he was confident God would surely do.

Perhaps his "perhaps" wasn't a hesitating, self-defeating, doubt-filled request, but a proclamation of humble expectancy. Perhaps this is Caleb saying, "God is God and does not march to the tune of my fife.  It is He who makes the winds blow until the grasses bend and break under the howling, invisible force of it.  I am but a man who knows naught but what God has already done and what He promised so long ago."

Can I say the same thing?

God has done so much for me and I know his promise is this:

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

So maybe...what if...who knows?  Perhaps He is with me.  Perhaps He sees my efforts.  Perhaps He is in this fight with me. This fight to be heard, to bring Him glory, to get better at my craft, to get my words out into the world so that they would teach, edify, and uplift young readers who are barraged with words that tear Him down.

This is a fight that is so easy for Him to manipulate to His favor (it seems insurmountable to me but He is God after all). But how much would it please Him for me to go forth into the scary world of publishing, with everything I have, committing everything I do to Him? Trusting Him to help me when I cry out to Him for help, and patiently waiting for Him to act in His time, in His way?  Perhaps He delights to surprise His people with what He can do.  Perhaps "perhaps" is enough for me to venture my call on a God like this.

Perhaps the Lord is with me.

The Emmaus Road and Bible Study

Easter is behind us now and because I like to look at the crucifixion and resurrection as a historical event in addition to a spiritual experience, I've been looking at the scriptures that describe the days after in Luke 24:13-34.  They were awful days for people who put their faith in the man, Jesus.  They didn't understand, even after everything he had been telling them, that he would rise again.  Even the disciples hid in fear and confusion, disbelieving the reports that Jesus had appeared to witnesses here and there.

On Sunday Jesus made an appearance to two despondent travelers on their way out of Jerusalem after what had to have been the most bizarre and violence-filled Passover in history.  The men didn't recognize Jesus as he walked with them, and they described to him the horror that had transpired over the weekend.  They said, "We had hoped he was the Messiah who had come to rescue Israel."  They must have seemed so disappointed.

"Then Jesus said to them, 'You foolish people!  You find it so hard to believe all that the prophets wrote in the Scriptures.  Wasn't it clearly predicted that the Messiah would have to suffer all these things before entering his glory?'"

Jesus probably could have stopped there.  The men would have been familiar with Psalm 22, when David prophetically described the anguish of crucifixion hundreds of years before the Romans would invent that form of execution.  And Isaiah 53, which describes the Lord's servant--despised and rejected, pierced for us, beaten, whipped, led like a lamb to slaughter.  There are so many more.

Maybe that should have been enough for these men.

But Jesus didn't take for granted that they could connect the dots on their own because sometimes we just need things spelled out for us.  Even when we've seen events with our own eyes, they don't always add up.  We are often left confused and disappointed when things don't turn out the way we expect them to.  It can take years--sometimes a lifetime--for us to be able to look back on the events of our lives and make sense of them.  Sometimes we die bitter, still confused.

Jesus wanted these men to know that nothing that happened to him was by accident.  In the same way, nothing that happens to us is by accident.  God will make things clear and Jesus gave these men on the road to Emmaus the same tool that we have at our disposal today.

"Then Jesus took them through the writings of Moses and all the prophets, explaining from all the Scriptures the things concerning himself."

When I study this story, I see it as a teaching for me, right where I am, in my humble little life.   It is God's way of saying to me, "Is something not adding up, dear one?  Are you confused about the crooked path you've been on?  Open up your bible.  I will make all things clear to you whose eyes are open to my teaching."

After Jesus made himself known to the men, and then disappeared from them, they said to each other, "Didn't our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?"  Every single day I can walk that Emmaus Road with Jesus when I lay my bible open on my lap.  My heart can burn with the same exhilaration of discovery as I search the scriptures to understand where I am in redemptive history, why the world is so screwed up, how deeply the Father loves his creation, and yes, to make sense of my own crooked path.

It's all in there.  Let us not neglect it.

The Big D: Convoy

I am very relieved and happy to report that my husband texted me at 7:30 this morning with the words, "Made it."


 I like to say I'm not a worrier (and usually I'm not) but I would be lying if I told you I didn't go to bed last night with images of him, sweating in the heat of the day, in full gear, rattling around in an armored vehicle, down some awful, dusty, dangerous road, and WORRYING about what could happen. I mean...HOW COULD I NOT?!?!

So I did what I do and I opened my bible. I could not have fixed dinner for my kids, or helped them with their homework, or bathed them, read to them, and tucked them into bed with a kiss goodnight, or found sleep for myself, if I did not have a source of comfort and security to turn to.

Every single person alive has to put their trust in something just to get through their day. During that difficult day, I could have put my trust in my husband's training but it can only carry him so far. I could have put my trust in the leadership of our country and of the Army but they are human and fallible. I could have put my trust in body armor and vehicle armor but that is penetrable. So I chose to put my trust in God, not only to protect my husband, but to protect my heart if the bad guys got their way.

It's the only way I know how to have peace during a time of unrest. I sincerely don't know how people who do not believe in SOMETHING can get through times like this. 


This is my favorite "worry Psalm."


I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
                                                Psalm 34:4-7


I read once that the word "surrounds" is translated from a Hebrew word which means, "encamped."  That's particularly helpful to one who's praying for a soldier, don't you think?

Ready? 1...2...3...Cannonbaaaalllll!

So, it's been four months since I've written.  Anything.  That creative and thoughtful part of my brain totally shut down when we invited all sorts of crazy into our lives with Army enlistment.  We have sold the house we lived in for 8 years (which is its own crazy story), moved in with in-laws, left a wonderful school district, submitted a resignation from a job I have loved, and the hardest thing of all: preparing to say good-bye to the church that has loved us, sustained us, and changed us.  All this while doing my best to figure out what to do with my present while all my ideas about what our future would have held unraveled and then knit itself together in a radically different pattern. 

The new pattern has lots of camo in it.

And combat boots.  And automatic weapons.  And acronyms.  And long lonely nights while my soldier is away doing what needs to be done.


But this new future is lovely in its own way.  It will involve lots of change.  But change is the essence of an adventurous life.  There will even be pain.  But pain is the key to growth and, to borrow a phrase I learned recently, all growth is spiritual growth. 

Some people, upon hearing this truth and desiring spiritual growth for themselves, creep along the edge of change and dip their toes in, gradually warming up to it.  Not us.  We grasped each other's hands, took a flying leap, and plunged in cannonball-style.  Not because we are more brave or adventurous than the next family.  But because the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of change.  Sometimes, that's what it takes to get a person to move.

I could be the type who holds a grudge against God for allowing calamity to reign down on our lives with the first devastating job loss that got this ball rolling.  At the time it seemed like the end of everything good in our lives.  Now I realize that it was only a stumble.  We got kicked in the shins  and limped along for the next few years, rebuilding, surviving, looking for silver linings, thinking the worst was over.  There were uniforms hanging in the house again.  The smell of leather and gun cleaner was like perfume to me.

But it was not to last.  The next time we got punched squarely in the gut.  While we were writhing around on the floor, trying to suck a life-giving breath into our lungs, God was quietly bringing together a plan that would set us on our current course.  But before we could take the first step, we had to be looking up at it from where we lay.  Only then would we see it clearly, accept it, have joy in it, and do the cannonball into it.

Only now I believe that its not only each other's hands we are holding.  According to Psalm 37, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly.  He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

I'm not quite ready to look back on our lives and delight in all the details, but God, who sees the beginning, the present, and the future, does.  And as I look as far as my limited imagination can see into the new future that has been knitted together, before I take a step, I will reach my hand up and hold on tight as He takes me on the ride of my life. 

On Getting What You Want In This Life

Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires.  Psalm 37:4

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for....  For everyone who asks receives."  Matthew 7:7

And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.  1 John 5:15

Put a quarter into the slot and the mighty Zoltar will give you whatever you want. 

Er...oops.  Guess I got carried away.  But I could find more similar bible verses.  They're all over the place.  Old and New Testament.  Lots of little nuggets of gold in there that make even the most humble among us rub our palms together and dream of the possibilities.

Anything, God?  Really?  Ok...I'm going to be really mature here and not ask for money.  Lots of verses about money in there too and I'm past wishing--I mean praying--for more money. 

The desires of my heart, huh?  Then I want to write.  Not just put-put stuff on a free blog.  Real, meaty stuff that people read and are changed by.  And I want the things I do at church to go well instead of flop around like a dead fish until someone finally says, "Enough is enough.  Put it out of its misery."  And if it's not too much to ask, I'd like for something to go right for my husband for once.  I'm not asking for him to have his career back.  I just want a future we can look forward to.  One that doesn't involve other people's funerals, preferably.  Oh yeah.  Amen.

Tapping my foot....waiting....waiting....

It doesn't work that way, my beloved daughter.

What?!  Why not?!  That's what it SAYS!  In the BIBLE!  That's YOUR word, not mine.  I delight in you, I really do.  You can ask anyone I know.  They'll tell you.

I know.  I know all things.  And I love you too.  More than you can comprehend.  And that's why I can't give you all of the things you are asking for.

But these things are good things, Father.  Things that can bring you glory! 

And things that can bring YOU glory.

Aaaannnddd...that's a bad thing, why?

It's not bad, dear one.  But it's shortsighted.  You are only seeing the things of this world and you think you know best how to make things good.  Some of the things you are asking for, well, they're not good.  Not in the long run.  Please trust me.  I know things you don't--can't know.

Great.  Then, why bother asking for ANYTHING?!

Calm down.  Go ahead and ask.  Anything just to hear your voice.  Sometimes my answer will be yes.  Sometimes no.  But I'll tell you the secret to getting what you ask for.  Are you ready?

Yes.  For crying out loud.  Yes!

That book in your lap?  Look at those verses again.  Not the one about Zoltar.  The other ones.

Ok...says here in Psalms 37:5, "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him and he will help you." 
Matthew 7:9 says, "You parents--if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?" 
And 1 John 5:14 says, "...he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him."

Wait a minute...so, you're saying I have to give you the "whole pie," as Pastor Mike says, trust your judgment, and ask only for things that please you?  And THEN you'll give me what I ask for??

Pretty much.

How do I know what pleases you?

Do the first two things and you'll have it pretty well figured out.

Well, how do I do those first two things?

Ask me.  Those are things that PLEASE me.  I would be happy grant those requests for you.  Are you beginning to see how this works?

I think so.

Taking a Risk

I've never been what one would call a risk taker.  Except for when I was an ignorant kid who couldn't see my future past the end of my nose.

I did a lot of my growing up years in a small town with a very busy highway running alongside it.

One day when I was about 16 years old I found myself in an old beat up S-10 pick-up truck sandwiched between two guy friends, who, one can only assume, had nothing to lose.  On a quiet little road that crossed the highway, the driver got the sudden brilliant idea to floor it and race across the intersection without stopping.  I held on to the rickety dashboard for dear life, envisioning for a split second what it would look like for us to get side-swiped by a car going 65 miles per hour.  Another split second later, we were safely on the other side and the two guys laughed like idiots and high-fived each other.  Pretty much an idiot myself and not wanting them to know I nearly soiled myself, I probably laughed too.




I took other risks too.  Risks with my heart, with my soul, and with my reputation.  It is only by God's grace that none of these risks resulted in consequences that lasted a lifetime (except for one garish and regrettable tattoo that still makes me cringe when I look at it).

I think it's interesting that I was so willing to take a risk when I so proudly (and foolishly) boasted that I was the only one looking out for me.  Now that I know God, and I know that He made me, He has plans for me, and He'll never forsake me, the thought of taking a risk makes me break out into a cold sweat.

When my husband was unemployed for just a few short days, the thought of not making a house payment, losing the house, and (horrors!) having to change school districts struck such fear in my heart that I found myself weeping in the arms of my pastor's wife who I needed at that moment to quiet my fears and reassure me that this would not, in fact, be the end of the world.

When did I turn into such a wimp?  I think it happened when I became a slave to the false hope of worldly security and personal comfort.  God gave me this gift of my life, not so that I could pursue home ownership and full retirement accounts.  He put me here to do big things.  Risky things.

And time is running out:

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is....  My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.  We are all moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.  We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it.  And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?  My only hope is in you."  Psalm 39:4-7

It's true, when you believe in God, you know that this life is not all there is.  But you also have a responsibility to make this life count for something.  I can't do that if I'm going to be a wimp and cling so tightly to security and comfort that I miss the opportunity to take a risk.