20 Things That Matter More Than the Almighty Book Deal

When you have a voice inside your head that whispers, "You should write a book," and won't shut up until you do what it says, it's hard to believe there is anything more revered, more longed for, more dreamed of, than the Almighty Book Deal.

Almost every writer who makes it to this point is still facing years--YEARS--of waiting. The journey looks different for everyone, but the waiting is universal. In time, you grow weary of worshiping at the alter of the Almighty Book Deal, and become discouraged that the sacrifice of your time, imagination, and sanity may not be enough to appease its voracious appetite.

Take heart, Aspiring Author. Here is a list of 20 things that matter more than the Almighty Book Deal (ABD).

1. Obedience. You were called to write this book, as crazy at it sounds to your family and friends. You obeyed the call when you typed, "Chapter One," and when you followed those words with 70,000 more. Stay obedient to it now.

2. Humility. I'm going to be honest with you. If you recently typed, "The End," and have only read it a second or third time all the way through, it still sucks. Even if your mom told you it was great. The sound of crickets coming from the literary agency isn't a sign that you should give up and close the file forever. It's just a timely dose of humility. Swallow it and get busy fixing what you did wrong in the first draft.

3. Relationship with other writers. You probably started writing, in part, because you're an introvert. Worry not. You don't have to go far to leave your cocoon. For writers, email and social media can be as valuable (sometimes more so) as a cup of coffee and a conversation across a real-life table. Seek out writer friends, unpublished ones for the mutual critique and camaraderie, and published ones for the mountains of knowledge, wisdom, and experience they bring. Don't count anyone out and give back as much as you know how to give.

4. Feedback. Yes, feedback matters more than the ABD. By the time you have the book deal, it's too late to fix the problems your readers will notice. Get as much feedback as possible. Accept it with grace. Even if you don't agree. Even if it makes you angry. Fix the problems and then get some more feedback.

5. Rejection. It stings, I know. Think of it as athletic conditioning. The first workout makes your muscles scream and burn, and you would rather die than go back for more. Go back anyway. The next time it hurts a little less. And the next time you notice you're stronger. Keep going back for more. The goal is to be lean and ripped, and you won't get there until you begin to look forward to the pain, because you understand the benefit of going through it. Let the rejections pile up. Take a little pride in each one, knowing how it has served to strengthen your spine and thicken your skin.

6. Perseverance. This one is no joke. My own engine has sputtered and died on occasion, and for a variety of reasons: a rejection, an illness, a negative critique, a season of busyness that kept my mind far from my stories. It leaves me drifting and listless and disinterested. It's a dangerous place to stay because this is when it seems logical to give up. After all, who would know? It's not like you have an editor beating your door down for the next chapter. But it can also be a time of clarity. When your drive to finish has stalled, and your craving for the ABD is diminished, you can see more clearly why you've been working at this for so long, how far you've come, and how messed up it would be to quit now. Don't quit. Call a friend to give you a jump and get that engine to turn over asap.

7. Time to make it better. There's no substitute for time. Use it well. An artist's work is never really finished anyway. These aren't Bob Ross paintings, a stroke here, and a happy little tree there, and in thirty minutes, you've got a complete masterpiece. Up close those things are a hot mess. Writing is 1% creating, and 99% editing. It's cutting away large chunks, tightening up sloppy dialogue, and cleaning the mess you left in the first draft. So, let the time pass, get busy, and trust me: It. Can. Always. Be. Better.

8. Growth. As a writer, yes, but also as a human being. People who achieve success too easily are stunted. It ruins them. Embrace growth.

9. Time away from the screen. After the ABD you will be a slave to deadlines, edits, social media, marketing, book tours, and blog tours. You're not there yet. So, step away from the screen. It's ok. No one has to know. Go for a walk. Mop the kitchen floor (if that's your thing). Journal about something no one will ever see. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts.

10. Maturity. It took a stint in federal prison for Prison Fellowship founder, Chuck Colson, to realize that nothing is more important than the maturing of the soul. Not wealth, not prosperity, not pleasure. Not even the ABD.

11. Prayer. Almost nothing is better for your prayer life than waiting, wondering, and striving toward something you think God has called you to. He will not grow tired of hearing your musings to him on the subject of the ABD. Write these prayers down and watch them change over time as you grow and mature in all ways.

12. Pleading. Like the deer that pants for the stream, plead with God to take from you this dream, and set your heart on another, if he desires that you do something else with your time and talents. When you find, day after day, that your heart is still tuned to it, plead with him to go with your on your journey, wherever it takes you. Plead with him to delay the ABD, slowing you down if your pride is likely to take you farther than he wants you to go. Plead with him to open doors of his choosing and to close others, and to help you in the fight to stay humble and obedient through every small victory.

13. Small victories. Celebrate every positive critique, every tough chapter you labor through to the end, and especially those long awaited words: "The End." Take note of the little gifts of divine inspiration that serve to reveal things in your writing you didn't see before. Let it encourage you to keep going, and fill you with hope that this labor is not all for nothing.

14. Acceptance. Another rejection, another contest lost, another year passed with nothing tangible to show for it. You're no closer than you were this time last year. The answer from God is, "Not yet." Accept it. Move on. There's no point arguing with him about the timing.

15. Contentment. Make your peace with what you've been forced to accept. This is how far as he's brought you, and this is where you'll stay for a little while longer. "Godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6

16. Self-sacrifice. It's so hard to pour so much of yourself into something no one else seems to care about. So many hours lost to dreaming, typing, staring out the window, perfecting a character's expression. The creative mind is a burden, churning constantly, leaving you in a fog while you perform daily responsibilities. It isn't normal to space off at Thanksgiving dinner, creating dialogue based on the bickering of your relatives, or to fantasize about visiting historical/exotic locales all by yourself. It's a lonely and secretive life. There's a cost to it. Give of yourself for something that will be much larger than you.

17. Introspection. Sometimes it feels like a punch in the throat to have to ask yourself, "Why am I even doing this?" after years of what feels an awful lot like wasted effort. But sometimes it's good to go back to the beginning, to remember why you started, to follow the thread of this thing you've been pursuing, and to look down and see your fist still firmly clenched around that thread.

18. God's presence. It's worth more than holding your work in your hands, seeing your name on the spine, more than royalties, more than winning a contest, or landing an agent, or the ABD. It just is.

19. God's sovereignty. Despite the Disney Channel's message that "if you work hard, your dreams will come true," it may not be God's will for you, or for me, to get the ABD. That has to be ok. No amount of waiting, or editing, or pleading for it will change God's already made up mind. How can you or I do anything but fall down before this holy, majestic, omnipotent God, who is so gracious to make our little lives matter?

20. God's glory. If I am focused solely on going after my own glory (which, let's face it, is what the ABD really is), I will not have eyes to see God's handiwork. Don't misunderstand. It is possible to balance excellence and ambition with godly humility. You can stay humble without staying hidden. Your talent can be valued and even celebrated without vainglorious self-promotion. You can strive toward excellence without being proud. You can work to hone and improve your skill without being self-obssessed. You do have to step back from yourself, your creation, your desires, your effort, your fear, your insecurity. Let your journey be interrupted. Let it go on longer than you expected. Let it sanctify you and glorify him. Let him worry about the ABD.

How God Comforts Through Grief

The Goodness of God in the Evening Breeze

Life is so good, sometimes I forget that God is under no obligation to make it so. This is where so many people get hung up on faith, I think: How can a God who is supposed to be good allow bad things to happen?  It's the burning question, isn't it?

We wonder about big things, of course, like cancer, war, famine, natural disaster, suffering on a grand scale, and the most ugly, fearsome father of it all: death.

But seemingly little, personal things are just as troubling, aren't they?
"I didn't get that job. Now look where we are."
"My friend betrayed me."
"I can't kick this illness/pain."
"The timing of this is just...awful."
Why, why, WHY?
My divorce.  My wayward kid.  My bully.  My addiction.  My inner-demon.  My parents.  My pride.  And on and on.  Isn't God out there? Can't he hear me?  Why won't he make himself known?  He's supposed to be good and kind and loving and merciful.  His mercies are supposed to be new every day.  This feels like a dead end.  It feels like a sort of death.

I could go on for 10,000 words, describing the senseless, often preventable suffering in this world.  Despite all of our knowledge, our GPS, our technology, our information, our compassion, our money, our resources, our superior intellect, we have not figured out how to eliminate it, or even to alleviate it.  Isn't that remarkable?  All the lessons humans have learned over the ages and we still make the same mistakes.  We still suffer for the same stupid reasons.

Yet, for all that is wrong in the world, I can still sit on my patio, which isn't really even mine.  I just get to stay here for a little while.  On it I have placed a cushioned chair and a table.  A cup of coffee.  A notebook and a pen.  A pleasant breeze.  A dog at my feet.  The sun is up.  The kids are not.  Just for a moment, this is really good.  LIFE is really good. My life.  It isn't perfect.  It would be melodramatic of me to say that I suffer but have my demons, I suppose, just like everyone.  For this moment they are quiet and THIS, my life, is beautiful.

I think this is what Adam and Even felt in the garden after they ate the fruit.  They didn't die like God said would happen.  Maybe there was a shaky sigh of relief as they walked away from the serpent, who, as it turned out, wasn't totally dishonest with them after all.  But something was broken in them and they knew it because they hid in shame.  It's difficult to fathom the dread they must have felt as they tried in vain to cover themselves, attempting to bandage what they broke by sticking a band-aid made of fig leaves to a wound that gushed and disfigured their souls.

I can only imagine (because the bible doesn't say) that before their eyes, what was once paradise became pestilence.  The flies and mosquitoes probably started bothering them.  The sun burned too bright and caused them to perspire.  Maybe Adam's sinuses began to swell with an allergic reaction to the pollen in the air.

And then God did something surprising.  Genesis 3:8 describes, "cool evening breezes."  Isn't that an interesting detail to include in this spare narrative?  God knew of their transgression, right down to the second it happened.  He understood it, probably better than they understood it themselves.  Yet he sent them the small comfort and joy and sweetness of a cool evening breeze.  He did that anyway.  An undeserved gift.

The hammer came down, as they knew it would.  They took the curse and walked out of the garden, sorrowful, humiliated, and realizing, finally, that God was truthful from the beginning.  There was a death sentence.  It just wouldn't be carried out right away.  They would get to live out their lives and yes, there would be suffering before it was all over, but there would also be "cool evening breezes."  There would be knowing smiles, and inside jokes, and laughter, and joy, and beauty.  There would be family, there would be friendship, there would even be art.

They deserved none of those things and neither do I.  God gives those gifts anyway and perhaps he adds to them the greatest gift of all--the dreaded death sentence.  With death comes the release from the suffering of this life.  Death brings life eternal.  Without death, there would be a never-ending life of shame and separation, which would be far, far worse than any suffering humans have concocted for ourselves on this broken earth.

Yes.  God is still good.

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The Big D: Passed the 100 Day Mark

09 July
Ok, the kids are in bed and it's late but I'm going to crank this out while it's on my mind.

A while back someone asked me why I moved to our FDS when my husband deployed so quickly. I responded hastily and without much thought that I am 33 and too old to be living with my parents and gave her a little smiley face. This is all true, but after spending a LOT of time with my family on a little "vacation" (that's only half over--ugh!) I kinda feel like I owe it to her to find that thread and let her know that my reasons really go much deeper than that.

I love spending time with my family. They spoil me in some ways--not in others--but generally, we are a happy, healthy, functional bunch.

At an amusement park over the weekend after the 4th, my sister and I are in this little boutique that sells bath salts and body lotions and stuff. I'm sniffing bath salts and there's this one I keep going back to. I nudge my sister and tell her she needs to smell it too because I really like it. She takes a sniff and says, "Ew. It smells like a man." I tip back the container and see that it is called "American Cowboy," and is, in fact, a man's scent. Oops. I sheepishly put the lid back on and tell her I guess it's because I haven't smelled a man for so long. She quirks her eyebrows and shudders a little bit like she doesn't know if she should be amused or grossed out and leaves the shop but I steal another sniff because I realize that it faintly reminds me of my husband and I'm not ready to pull myself away from it yet.

I consider buying a little package of it but don't feel like explaining to my family why I'm buying men's bath salts so I just let it go.

When our day is nearly over there's a free concert when the park closes. They do this big patriotic tribute and ask the veterans to stand up and be recognized and there's the usual smattering of gray-headed old guys in leather vests from Vietnam who stand.   No big deal. But then the guy on stage says that last year a soldier who had just come home from Afghanistan personally requested that he also thank the families of those deployed, specifically, the wives and children who are left behind. I just about lost it. I'm shrinking in my seat, trying to hold back tears and my 7 year old spins around to flash me a big smile because she knows that guy is talking about us. I give her a watery grin and hope she doesn't notice and ask me why I'm crying. I wouldn't be able to speak if I had to and even if I could, I wouldn't because there isn't anyone here who understands.

That, friends, is why I couldn't stay home, 120 miles from the nearest Army post, 1000 miles from where the home is that I will share with my husband. He may not be there with me right now but the promise of him is. His things are there: his uniforms hang in the closet, his tool box is in the garage, his soap is under the bathroom sink. The office where he will work when he gets home is down the street. And there are thousands of people there who have been right where I am. They're living it right now. They know. You don't have to put words to what you're feeling when you are so lonesome for your husband you could cry. They don't baby you and they don't need to because in the presence of those who've gone before you and endured one or two (or more) deployments, you feel a little stronger and you know you'll survive it too.

I am here tonight in my parent's living room, surrounded by people who know me and love me and feeling a little bit lonely. I am actually sitting on the same old hard blue couch that I grew up with and finding myself homesick for our duty station, where I now feel that I belong, even though I had never stepped foot in the state prior to moving there in January. It makes me marvel at how wonderfully, miraculously adaptive we human beings are. We can pretty much get used to anything that's thrown at us and have the capacity to make the best of anything. Everyone has this capacity, I think, but most people are so afraid of pain that they avoid change in order to cling to a thin thread of comfort (which is really only just a facade, isn't it?). Those people really sell themselves short. We Army families are lucky in a way to be forced into big life changes without being asked. I would have never said to my husband, "Let's move to another state and start over," but here we are, happily adapted to it, calling it "home," and craving the new comforts of it.

Night, all. *Yaaawwwnnnn*          

Delivered

Evelyn settled herself into the cushioned chair, set her purse on the floor, and used her orthotics-clad foot to slide it under her seat.  There were 20 or 30 chairs in this small, shadowy room and thanks to the thoughtful design of stadium seating, the spectators would get a great view.  As if they had come here to watch a movie or a ball game and not to watch somebody die.

There was an armed guard standing in the corner, wearing a baseball cap of all things (the casualization of society, she called this), watching people trickle in.  There were a few she figured were reporters.  Who else would want to memorialize this event with a yellow legal pad and a ballpoint pen?  Some faces she recognized from the trial as families of the victims.  One of them was a victim.  Evelyn tried not to look at her.  She sat two seats away and one row down.  The woman had been shot and raped and left to die but somehow survived.  Her testimony at the trial was horrific and is probably what convinced the jury to vote unanimously for death.  In a perverted sort of way that Evelyn would have denied if anyone had asked her about it, she hoped the woman got some kind of satisfaction out of today.  Then at least one good thing would come out of her son's life.

She kept her eyes on the window in front of her and wondered if it was a one-way glass.  Maybe Richard wouldn't even know she was here.  Maybe it was best that way.  She thought of him as a boy and how he would stick out his hand, and wave a big goofy wave, and say, "Hi, Mom!" when he saw her, the way he did when she was 15 minutes late picking him up from school once.  He was the only student left and stood on the sidewalk with a teacher who lifted her watch and stared at it when Evelyn arrived.  Richard never doubted that she would be there for him eventually.  She hadn't once come to visit him in prison.  

Time had stopped for her around the time he was convicted 11 years ago.  She knew intellectually that he was no longer a boy and that a grown man of 29 would walk through the door on the other side of that glass, but she preferred to live in her memories, a time of promises made, before she knew they wouldn't come to pass.  Not in Richard's lifetime anyway.

The door to the room beyond the glass opened and Richard walked through in his baggy orange jumper, hands behind his back, followed by a physician and a man in a suit.  Richard said, "You want me to sit?"  Evelyn was shocked she could hear voices.  She thought it would be sound proof and panicked a bit at what she might hear in his last moments.  Despite everything, she didn't want to hear him suffer.  The man in the suit told him not to sit just yet and took the handcuffs off.  He bumped Richard lightly as he moved around him in the small space and Evelyn heard her son's voice again saying, "Pardon me," as he rubbed his wrists.

They nudged Richard toward a gurney in the center of the room and sat him down on a plastic green mattress and hooked him up to a heartrate monitor, which seemed to her like a waste.  Thin black velcro straps dangled limp from the sides of the bed, jostling with Richard's weight in a grotesque little dance. 

Richard was calm.  More calm than she'd ever seen him, though to be fair, the last time they were together he was on drugs.  For six excruciating years, his eyes were either dilated and darting all over the place or glazed over, hollow and sunken.  Now they were clear and blue.  His face was clean shaven.  He looked so...healthy.  There wasn't even a tremor in his hand as he stretched his arm out to have the inside of his elbow swabbed with alcohol by the physician, another waste of time it seemed to her, and have an IV started.  

He laid down and inched his body up the mattress a bit to position his head on the little white pillow.  The man in the suit fastened the velcro around Richard's arms and legs.  He mumbled something she couldn't hear and Richard looked up at him and nodded.  She thought Richard would be scared but he wasn't.  He was just expectant, as if he was being strapped into a ride at an amusement park and had just been asked by the bored, sweaty, zit-plagued employee if the straps were tight enough.  "Enjoy the ride," the teenaged boy would say, and it would have been vaguely appropriate here but that's not what the man said.  He asked Richard if he had any last words.  Richard stared unblinking at the ceiling and said, "Life is death, death is life. I hope that someday this absurdity that humanity has come to will come to an end.  Life is too short. I hope anyone that has negative energy towards me will resolve that.  Life is too short to harbor feelings of hatred and anger. That's it, Warden."

Evelyn gripped the arms of her chair.  It was all she could do to keep herself from standing up and facing the room and giving a proper statement for Richard.  She wanted them to know that he was sorry for killing his own brother with a 20-gauge shotgun.  He was sorry for shooting those two other women, raping one of them, and leaving them all for dead.  He had to be.  She wasn't mother to a monster. 

She labored for 26 hours to bring Richard into the world.  His head was stuck for so long in the birth canal, when he finally emerged it was misshapen and lopsided and covered in meconium.  His nose never did quite straighten out but she loved him even more for it.  "Look what we did!" she had whispered excitedly to her husband in the dark early morning hours after his birth.  "This is the one.  Our deliverer," she said, welling with pride over her beautiful boy.  He was born with the promise of greatness and he could get Evelyn back home where she belonged.  She didn't deserve to go back after what she had done but the promise had been made and she trusted that it would be kept.  Richard would save them all.

She reminded him of it often, even when he began resenting her for it.  The summer Richard turned 12 was when her faith in him began to waver.  He'd been in trouble more than he was out of it and she stood at the stove, stirring a pot of pasta and letting him have it.  In her mind, she liked to see herself as June Cleaver with her apron, flats, and pearls, in control of every situation, telling him why he needed to stop this behavior and come to his senses.  "We're all depending on you, Richard.  Don't forget that."  But in reality, she was barefoot, uncombed, exhausted, stressed to the point of sickness, and the pasta water had boiled over, hissing and bubbling, scorching the glass stove top. 

"I don't give a (the foulest expletive in the English language, in her opinion) about the promise!" Richard shouted.  Her fingers froze, just short of the knob to turn the heat down, and she stood like a statue while he railed at her.  "Andy never gets this bull(another vile expletive that makes her cringe to remember).  Why don't you do this to Andy?  You leave Andy alone and you're always on my back!"  Of course that was peppered with proclamations of hating her and wishing she was dead, but that wasn't what haunted Evelyn about the exchange.  Later, she scrubbed furiously at the stovetop with her brillo and Softscrub, stunned that he was jealous of Andy.  If anyone had a reason to resent her, it was Andy, who was always being overlooked and disregarded in favor of Richard. She didn't mean for it to be like that but so much was at stake for Richard and Andy just...was.  Andy, eternally sweet Andy, never held it against her.  He loved everyone and did everything that was asked of him without complaint.  He was probably professing his love for his brother right up until Richard shot him.   

Evelyn was constantly going over the years leading up to that nightmare in her mind, redoing scenes in her imagination that might have changed the trajectory, if only she would have known what Richard was capable of.  One scene she would have like to do over was the evening her husband had been working late in the fields.  Richard approached him and demanded to be paid for his labor.  His father laughed in his face and told him his labor was unacceptable, and that it took a lot of nerve to walk up to him in this field with his hand out, as if he owed Richard something.  Richard faunched and fumed and sputtered horrible things about hating his father then too. 

Evelyn would have gone beyond praying if she had another chance at that night.  She would have begged and pleaded with him, disgracing herself if need be, to get him to return to his father with a contrite and humble heart, knowing her husband would never turn him away.  Nothing would have worked though; she knew that now.  Richard's resentment morphed into an all-consuming bitterness.  The whole family walked on eggshells around him.  His anger bubbled to the surface any time he didn't get his way.  Drugs entered their house.  Richard dropped out of high school.  A stolen car led to jail, then probation.  Finally, the unthinkable in a field 16 miles outside town.  An act so heinous, Evelyn refused to believe it until she watched Richard in the courtroom, cold and remorseless, not denying that he had done it.

Richard came back to the house after killing Andy to sleep off a drug-induced high.  He woke up famished, drank half of a gallon of milk while he stood in front of the open refrigerator, and kissed Evelyn on the top of her head before walking out the door to take care of his "business," which she now knew was to pay off a drug dealer with money from an earlier robbery.

She shuddered in her seat, remembering that kiss, as the warden gave a little nod.  Someone somewhere was flicking a switch, or pushing a button, or depressing a plunger that was shooting poison into Richard's body.   Seconds passed and Richard twisted his head back, raising it up off the pillow, to find the warden who stood behind him. 

"Wow!" Richard shouted. Evelyn jumped in her seat at his outburst.  "That is great. That is awesome! Thank you, (that foul expletive again, an adjective this time) Warden!"  His head fell back on the pillow at an angle that looked like it should have been painful.  His mouth and eyes stayed open but everyone watching from the other side of the glass knew the end had come for Richard.  He was gone.  But the promise wasn't gone with him. 

It was foolish of her to believe that it would be her son.  Her own sins were too greivous.  She never thought in a million years that murder would be the result and she would give her life to undo her mistakes.  But she wouldn't spend the rest of her life grieving Richard either.  He always believed he had a right to his anger and his life reflected that.  He chose to hate and to hurt others.  Now, looking at his dead body, Evelyn could see that the one who was really destroyed was him.  

All around Evelyn, hugs were exchanged, sighs of relief that had been held in for 11 long years were expelled.  But the woman who had been raped hadn't moved.  She stared at Richard's body, seeming totally unsatisfied, maybe even feeling a little jipped.  She probably came here to see him suffer or cry like a pathetic, scared child.  Evelyn wished she didn't feel the inclination to apologize to the woman because her son wasn't more pathetic but there it was.  She was burdened for this woman who would walk out of the room this day with a choice to make as well.

People began to trickle out.  They had seen what they'd come for.  Now it was dinnertime and they would celebrate as they broke bread together at the TGI Friday's across town.

After 15 minutes the doctor entered the room and pronounced Richard dead.  They unhooked the heartrate monitor and wheeled the gurney through the door and out of sight.  Evelyn had already checked the boxes and signed the papers for the prison.  There was nothing left for her to do except to leave this room as well and go home to get on with the rest of her life.  She pulled her purse out from under the chair, hooked it over her shoulder, and stood up, realizing that the woman had remained in her chair, staring through the glass into the now empty execution room.  They locked eyes for a second and Evelyn looked away. 

"You had another child," the woman said rather than asked.  Evelyn choked out a hoarse, "Yes."  She cleared her throat and said it again, clearer this time.  On the one year anniversay of Andy's death, baby Seth had arrived via c-section to her aged body.  In the quiet, early morning hours after his birth, she had whispered to her husband through tears of grief, "The Lord has given us another son in the place of Andy."  Her husband had agreed at the time but as Seth grew, Evelyn realized that Seth was different than Andy. Seth was obedient like Andy, but he also had a love for God that came from somewhere beyond Evelyn's doing or understanding.

Evelyn shuffled through the narrow path between the chairs and timidly laid a hand on the woman's shoulder.  "Choose love.  Choose life."  She paused and said, "So that you can live long after this life is over."  The woman remained stiff and unaffected but Evelyn gave a motherly squeeze and left the room.

Seth had a son named Enosh.
Enosh
Kenan
Mahalelel
Jared
Enoch
Methuselah
Lamech
Noah
Shem
Arphaxad
Shelah
Eber
Peleg
Reu
Serug
Nahor
Terah
Abram
Isaac
Jacob
Judah
...
David
...
Jesus, the promised Deliverer, referred to himself as a Son of Adam (Man) more often than as the Son of God.  





This allegory of Genesis 3:15-4:25 is loosely based on the story of Texas inmate, Richard Cobb's execution in Hunstville on April 25, 2013 as reported by Michael Graczyk, AP.
http://news.msn.com/crime-justice/man-put-to-death-for-texas-store-abduction-slaying

Ready? 1...2...3...Cannonbaaaalllll!

So, it's been four months since I've written.  Anything.  That creative and thoughtful part of my brain totally shut down when we invited all sorts of crazy into our lives with Army enlistment.  We have sold the house we lived in for 8 years (which is its own crazy story), moved in with in-laws, left a wonderful school district, submitted a resignation from a job I have loved, and the hardest thing of all: preparing to say good-bye to the church that has loved us, sustained us, and changed us.  All this while doing my best to figure out what to do with my present while all my ideas about what our future would have held unraveled and then knit itself together in a radically different pattern. 

The new pattern has lots of camo in it.

And combat boots.  And automatic weapons.  And acronyms.  And long lonely nights while my soldier is away doing what needs to be done.


But this new future is lovely in its own way.  It will involve lots of change.  But change is the essence of an adventurous life.  There will even be pain.  But pain is the key to growth and, to borrow a phrase I learned recently, all growth is spiritual growth. 

Some people, upon hearing this truth and desiring spiritual growth for themselves, creep along the edge of change and dip their toes in, gradually warming up to it.  Not us.  We grasped each other's hands, took a flying leap, and plunged in cannonball-style.  Not because we are more brave or adventurous than the next family.  But because the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of change.  Sometimes, that's what it takes to get a person to move.

I could be the type who holds a grudge against God for allowing calamity to reign down on our lives with the first devastating job loss that got this ball rolling.  At the time it seemed like the end of everything good in our lives.  Now I realize that it was only a stumble.  We got kicked in the shins  and limped along for the next few years, rebuilding, surviving, looking for silver linings, thinking the worst was over.  There were uniforms hanging in the house again.  The smell of leather and gun cleaner was like perfume to me.

But it was not to last.  The next time we got punched squarely in the gut.  While we were writhing around on the floor, trying to suck a life-giving breath into our lungs, God was quietly bringing together a plan that would set us on our current course.  But before we could take the first step, we had to be looking up at it from where we lay.  Only then would we see it clearly, accept it, have joy in it, and do the cannonball into it.

Only now I believe that its not only each other's hands we are holding.  According to Psalm 37, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly.  He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

I'm not quite ready to look back on our lives and delight in all the details, but God, who sees the beginning, the present, and the future, does.  And as I look as far as my limited imagination can see into the new future that has been knitted together, before I take a step, I will reach my hand up and hold on tight as He takes me on the ride of my life. 

Well, you don't seem to be freaking out!

Reactions to our news--that my husband at the age of 33 has enlisted in the Army--has run the gamut from from, "I'm so proud of you," to, "I hope you know what you're getting yourself into," (yeah, we haven't been thinking about what it means for us AT ALL).  But, "Well, you don't seem to be freaking out!" is by far my favorite.  I like it because it was spoken by a friend who knows exactly what military life is.  And the truth is, I'm NOT freaking out even though life as we knew it is pretty much over and hubby ships off in less than five months.

Most people who know us know what we've been through in the last three years or so.  Job loss, followed by the struggle to be grateful for crappy, undesirable, low-paying jobs, followed more job loss, etc.  It's been difficult.  Imagine in those three years getting more letters than can be counted that all begin with the following statement: "Thank you for your interest in (fill-in-the-blank) law enforcement agency.  We've selected a more desirable/qualified candidate."  Over and over and over.  A never-ending stream.  What they're basically saying is, "We don't want you (even though you tested really well).  You have baggage (even though we all have if we're honest with ourselves).  We believe we will regret hiring you (even though you could bring with you a vast amount of training and experience).  We know your old bosses and what they say is far more influential than anything you've got to say to redeem yourself."  Ouch.

Now imagine that you are sitting in the Army recruiter's office.  It may seem like a move of desperation to some but the truth is, you are kind of excited about it.  Some guys are just meant to do this kind of work.  There's just one problem.  There are no jobs available.  The military really isn't beating down anyone's door to join up because "the war is over" and all that, I guess (does anyone really believe that?).  But the seargants you are working with are determined to get you in because they see something in you, or because your test scores are really high, or because they felt some unexplainable nudge from above, or because you brought them Slivinski's donuts at 7am, or whatever.  The point is THEY WANT YOU. 

They want you so bad they are willing to make a call and subvert the system and manually input the job you really wanted to begin with but were told it wasn't likely you could get because the availability of jobs is so limited.

Now, I'm not an empathetic person by nature but...wouldn't that just turn your whole world around?! 

I'm still too busy being ecstatically happy for my husband to bother with freaking out.  I'm not sitting here in blissful unawareness that the future will indeed hold many challenges and trials for our family.  I'm already trying to figure out how to live in the tension of security (steady job, healthcare, housing, etc.) mixed with the insecurity of not knowing where we will be living a year from now.

But I'm not scared.  I'm not sad.  I'm definitely not freaking out.  I have even entertained the notion that perhaps the difficult and crooked path we have been on for the last three years has been sifting away the chaff of materialism, needing a false sense security to feel safe, hanging on to things I need to let go of, and thinking the wrong things are important.  I am ready for this adventure.  I am prepared as much as my limited knowledge of the future can allow me to be.

This next chapter is going to be very interesting.....

A Story to Tell: Thanking God for the Hard Parts

I submitted this piece about my grandma, Margaret Ruth Barnes (11-15-24 to 12-17-12), to a Ladies Home Journal writing contest while she was still living.  It didn't win but I thought it was a fitting tribute to a lady who taught me how to play Canasta, and Karem, and how to make noodles. I learned to ride my bicycle in her drive way.  She took me to Branson to see Shoji Tibouchi when I was in grade school.  She rocked me in her easy chair the night I threw up in her house even though I had already grown taller than her.  She "clouded up and rained all over me" when I deserved it and always gave me Edy's ice cream with chocolate syrup to make up for it.  She was a complex woman and love seemed to be hard for her with some people but she was a pretty awesome grandma. I will miss her.

We walked, hand in hand, down the wide white hallway.  Being in this place makes me uneasy.  Perhaps it’s the smell of urine that makes my eyes sting.  Or the men and women we steal glances at as we walk past their open doors.  Some of them stare back at us as we pass.  Anyone who is left in their room at dinnertime is confined to their bed.  I can’t imagine what goes on in their minds, hour after hour, day after day.  I see them with their hair matted and spittle on their chins, legs twisted and lifeless in the beds.  Their eyes are sometimes dull and glazed, sometimes confused and crazy.  In the split second that I spy on them as I pass their rooms, I try to imagine what they were like when they were young, vibrant, healthy, and beautiful.  I wonder what kinds of things they did with their lives, how many kids they raised, what adventures they went on, and if there is anyone left to tell their stories.

It makes me sad to think of this Greatest Generation leaving our world one by one.  There will never be another like it.  They were shaped and molded by hardship.  It made them strong and self-sacrificing.  They knew what it was to survive on next to nothing.  And when they had plenty, they were grateful for it and didn’t squander it.  But it was the hardship they endured that gave purpose and meaning to their lives.  Overcoming it gave them a story to tell.

Finally in the dining room, I spot her from across the room, even though all that is visible of her is her tiny head, with her soft white “teased and set” hair peeking out above her wheelchair.  We come around her chair to greet her and her eyes light up in recognition as always, though I’m not convinced she could actually tell us our names.  I don’t ask her to.  I don’t want her to feel bad.  She is wearing a crocheted red sweater and holding a stuffed dog in her lap.  I don’t know who gave her that dog but I’ve never seen her without it when I’ve come to visit her here.

I pull up heavy chairs, scraping them along the tiled floor so that we can sit close to her, despite the plate of pulled meat and green beans that has been placed in front of her.  “How are you, Grandma?” I ask her.  She shrugs her shoulders and smiles, giving me a garbled response that I can’t quite make out.  Her dentures don’t fit inside her mouth anymore so they nearly fall out whenever she tries to form words.  I just smile and nod.

“Three pretty girls,” she says, looking at my daughters.

“Yes,” I tell her.  Placing a hand on each of their heads, I say, “Allison is in second grade, Rachel is in Kindergarten, and Morgan is about to turn three!”  She puts a hand over her mouth as if to feign surprise. 

“Really?” she asks.  “They grow so fast.”  Again, I smile and nod.  I don’t really have any other news.  At least none that I want to share with my grandma, who I’m not convinced yet, knows who I am.  I don’t feel like telling her that my husband lost his job last week.  For the second time in three years.  What difference would it make to her that we had blown our savings getting us through the last time he was unemployed and, having struggled with a decline in income, hadn’t built it back up yet?  Would she care that we didn’t know if we would be able to make our house payment this month?  That there was no way our house was going to sell in this market anyway?  That unemployment was hovering above 9% and it could be a very long, very uncertain, and very painful time ahead of us?

Lost in the thoughts of my own troubles, my mind is yanked back into the dining room when I overhear one of the nurses on duty refer to another one as Shorty.  “Who is Shorty?” I ask, looking between them.  The petite middle-aged woman who is feeding a patient next to my grandma looks over at me and says, “That’s me!”

“Margaret’s husband was called Shorty almost all of his life,” I tell her.

“Is that so?” she asks, continuing to feed her patient.  I begin to tell her how I once found an old high school English textbook of my granddad’s copyrighted in 1934, in which a friend had doodled a face behind bars and jokingly wrote underneath, “Shorty in 15 years” but my story fades when I see that she doesn’t seem all that interested.  That picture has always fascinated me because I never knew much about my grandparents.  I knew they were my dad’s parents; two kind and generous old people whom I stayed with every once in a while and saw on holidays.  They were wonderful grandparents and very much loved.  But they didn’t often speak of their early life and so much of what made them who they were always remained a mystery to me.

I know just a few things about my grandma.  I know that she grew up very poor during the worst of the Great Depression.  She told me once that when she was a young girl she shared a table with another little girl who ate an orange with her lunch.  My grandma had never tasted an orange and the sight and smell of that orange had her transfixed.  When the girl left the table, leaving behind the orange peelings, my grandma ate them.

I know that when she was 16 in 1939 her parents told her she was old enough to take care of herself and not to come home from school.  So she didn’t.  She stayed on the bus that day until the route was finished.  The bus driver asked if she had anywhere to go.  She said she didn’t, so he and his wife took her in and finished raising her.  She learned to drive a stick shift by driving that big old school bus and once told my sister and me that’s why she preferred to drive an automatic.  The wife of that bus driver would later come to be known by us grandkids as “Granny” and she would spend her last years in the care of my grandparents.

I have no idea how Grandma met Granddad but at some point after marrying him, she put herself through beauty school and opened a beauty shop.  She was a working mother and an entrepreneur long before Women’s Lib.  I find this ironic since I sit here, privileged to be born into a world with “equal pay” and I choose to stay home with my girls.  I have no memories of that beauty shop she owned.  By the time I came along a generation later she had semi-retired and was servicing a few loyal customers out of her basement.

My grandparents must have been very successful in life.  They seemed positively rich to us kids.  They certainly did to me now that I sat in front of her as a grown-up, feeling decidedly unsuccessful in life at the moment.  Grandma and Granddad nearly doubled the square footage of their house with a massive renovation.  And they enjoyed traveling a great deal.  They went to Hawaii, Europe, Nova Scotia, and made many weekend trips to Branson, sometimes even taking a few lucky grandkids along.  She brought two little Hawaiian dresses, one red and one blue, back from their trip to the Island for my sister and me.  I had just told my own daughters about those dresses I remembered so vividly from my childhood a few days before so I asked my grandma if she remembered taking that trip all those years ago.

She didn’t.  Did she remember the trip to Europe?  She shook her head no.  All those tour bus trips with your friend, Naomi?  No.  I leaned back in my chair, surprised and disappointed that she had no stories to share.  More than that though, I was sad.  I studied her tiny, fragile, shell of a body, bent over from osteoporosis.  Her hands which had once performed magic on ladies’ permed hair were arthritic and bony, with skin so translucent I could practically see through it.  Once so strong and capable, she had spent a lifetime working, sacrificing, and saving so that she could enjoy the pleasure and luxury of travel and now she didn’t even have a single memory of it.

We left the nursing home after a bit more small talk.  She probably wouldn’t remember we were there so one of my daughters left a homemade picture on her nightstand. 

I pondered that sad conversation often over the next few days.  I couldn’t resist making the comparison: my husband and I are in our 30’s and practically starting over from scratch.  Again.  We may never achieve the wealth and luxury that my grandparents enjoyed.  At least it feels like it in this scary and uncertain moment in time.  My grandparents knew fear and uncertainty very well early in their days but they spent the rest of their lives making sure they never would again. 

Grandma, like me, wanted security.  She pursued it with tenacity because the avoidance of pain was the topmost priority.  And when she achieved it, she rested comfortably in it and lived as if she had never experienced life any other way.  She never really wanted to tell the stories of her youth, the really good stories of overcoming hardship, stories about the things that shaped her.  She only leaked out little bits here and there, leaving us to piece together the picture of her early life.  But today, in the final chapters of her life, those are the parts that really matter.  The trips to Hawaii and Europe have all but faded from memory.  Just like the house, the pinnacle of all they had worked to accomplish. 

Grandma and Granddad had always taken immaculate care of their stately post-war 60’s style ranch.  A quick drive past it today reveals the shrubs, which once sat at attention, crisp, and horizontal against the white siding, are now dead and bare.  The birdbath in the front yard has been knocked over.  A large tree has fallen in the backyard and its dried dead branches hang over the mangled chain-link fence like giant brown, bony fingers.  Their once lovely home with its paid off mortgage, a tangible symbol of comfort and security, now sits in disrepair, abandoned and literally crumbling down with rust, rot, and time.  As if it never even mattered.

Could it be possible that this time of hardship that I am living in right now is what really matters in my life?  No one will remember how many vacations we took or how much comfort and security we had.  I won’t even remember them if my grandma’s state is any indication of the future that awaits me.  But there is a reason that the “stuff” that gives us comfort and security in this world is so quickly forgotten.  Those things are boring.  They don’t make for a good story.  They don’t shape anybody.  And pursuing them will only blind me to the bigger story that is being written for my family today.  We will one day tell a story from this time in our lives that will be about hardship and pain.  But it will also be a story that is about more than personal comfort, self-gratification, and the false sense of security in a world that will pull the rug out from under you at any moment.  It is a story in which life is meaningful without that stuff.  And if a life that experiences pain is meaningful, then the pain must have meaning because it helps to shape the characters in the story of that meaningful life.  The stories from my grandma’s early life and others of her generation prove this to be true. 

If you believe in something greater than yourself, then you can trust that it is God, the greatest storyteller of all, who writes the uncertainty and pain into the stories of our lives.  He does this not because he is cruel and mean-spirited, but because he wants our lives to be filled with meaning and purpose instead of just “stuff.”  Our desperate attempts to avoid pain and seek comfort rob us of the potential greatness of our lives.  The lack of stories from my grandma’s later life proves this to be true. 

Knowing this doesn’t make it easy to live through the painful parts of our stories. I freely admit that I dread the coming months of uncertainty for my family.  So, in order to survive them and not let them destroy me, I have to surrender them to God, trusting that he will bring meaning from them, that something beautiful will come from them.  That beautiful thing may not be a paid for home and a trip to Hawaii.  I think it will be even more wonderful than that. 

I think it will be a story of redemption—a story of a family changed, made stronger, made better.  Comfort and security don’t change people.  It’s the pain that occurs in the darkness of night that changes people.  As long as I have the hope of redemption—that the story will end well—I can endure pain, loss, even suffering.  Indeed, I can be fulfilled by it, knowing that true and lasting joy, not the superficial pleasure that comes from comfort and security, will come as a result of it. 

 I guess there will always be a part of me that, like Grandma, craves security and fights desperately to attain it.  It’s human nature.  Maybe one day I’ll have it within my grasp again and life will be boring.  But until then I have a story to finish.  It will be a story about pain and adversity, loss and uncertainty.  And I intend to finish it well, coming out on the other side whole and new, and thanking God for every moment.

Wisdom from Ecclesiastes

Lots of people don't like this book of the bible. I admit, it's kind of depressing.  Solomon, the wisest person to ever live, comes to the conclusion that everything in this life is meaningless, like chasing the wind.  Not exactly good news to those of us who are stuck here for a while, trying to make sense of our lives.  But there is a little nugget of wisdom buried in chapter 7, verse 13, that has become my life's verse: "Accept the way God does things for who can straighten what he has made crooked?"

This blog is my journey of acceptance of what God has made crooked.  If you, the reader, are honest, you'll admit that he's made your life crooked too.  The truth is that human beings, no matter what time they live in, no matter how much media they are exposed to, no matter how in tune they are with scripture, are fed a lie by the world about what will make them happy.  For some it's material wealth, educational or professional accomplishment, or relational peace.  It could be security, weight loss, Coach purses, marrying the right person, divorcing the wrong person...

Going about life, looking and seeming like everyone else.  Doesn't the world make you think that if you have that everything will be ok?

Well, it's a lie.  I can say that after having that kind of "happiness" for a while, thinking everything was ok, and realizing twice in the last three years what a fragile and completely false sense of security that was.  I had that "happiness" yanked away in heartbeat and have had to learn a very difficult lesson that the world we live in is harsh, unfair, untrustworthy, and broken.

Depressing?  Maybe.  Like King Solomon, I have no good news about this world.  All the job promotions and Coach purses are meaningless, like chasing the wind.  But there is something that we can put our hope in.  Something that will never let us down, something that is not of this world.  No, it's not fairy tales and wishful thinking.  I believe so strongly in the truth of a loving God who has plans for me--plans for good and not for disaster, plans to give me hope and a future--that I would die to defend these beliefs.

He tried to teach me this once about 3 years ago.  And now, I find myself on another painful journey to put my hope in things not of this world, of things unseen.  Join me.