The Big D: 9 Deployment Fun Facts

12 August
Nine Deployment Fun Facts:

1. Every once in a while I hear the neighbor's garage door go down and even though I know in my head it's not mine, there is a rebellious little subconscious synapse that fires in my brain that cries "He's home!! He's home!!" Then the conscious side of my brain takes over and I have a quick moment of plunging sadness that takes a minute to recover from.

2. It is my husband's job to turn on the fan before we go to bed. That's why, nearly every night for the last 150 days or so, I have kicked the dog out of the way, climbed into bed, gotten comfortable, then had to get out of bed to turn the fan on. Almost without exception.

3. I have come to treasure that precious 2 hours of blissful peace and quiet between the hours of 9pm and 11pm (sometimes midnight) after the kids go to bed and before I go to bed. Sometimes I plan all day what I will do with those hours: read a book I haven't gotten to all day, watch a movie I've had DVRed for 3 weeks, take a bath with Pandora blasting from the computer in the other room. Whatever. Those hours are MINE and I'm not going to give them up easily when my husband gets home and we have to go to bed at 9:30 because he has to be up for PT so stinking early.

4. I probably spend about half on groceries what I spend when my husband is home because I have daughters who graze like I do and are happy to have a bowl of popcorn, some cheese slices, grapes, and maybe some carrot sticks for dinner. I will probably also gain 10 pounds in the first month after my husband comes home because I'll have to eat a real dinner every night...like the kind you need a fork to eat.

5. Sometimes you haven't any idea what you are capable of handling until you have no choice but to do it on your own and that's not always a bad thing. It can be very empowering if you can keep yourself from self-pity.

6. Sometimes things happen that you just can't handle on your own. So you learn that you can't really make real friends until you are forced to depend on someone because your husband is gone and you have no other choice. But then you get to return the favor and friendship blossoms.

7. Every bad thing that happens will pass.

8. I love my kids. I have always been thankful for them. But lets be honest--kids spend their entire lives learning how to push your buttons. There are days when they can drive me so crazy that I question why I wanted to have kids so bad in the first place. But not on a Sunday evening when we're watching a movie together and all three of them--and the dog--are crowded together on the couch with me and I can feel their warmth and hear their giggles when I would otherwise be totally alone. I appreciate the company of my kids in the absence of my husband more than ever before.

9. I fantasize about my husband's homecoming and *ahem* his first night home (or the first 10 minutes when we sneak up to the walk-in closet and lock the door) like every wife whose husband has been gone for a long time. But sometimes I just fantasize about being hugged.          

The Big D: The end is near and the pressure is on

02 October
With my mind on reintegration (we have such an unbelievably short time left--and the date is still holding!!) I've had some strange thoughts swimming around in my head and I've resolved some of them, which has removed a huge amount of pressure I stupidly placed on my shoulders, so I thought I would share some of my stupidity and how I am getting past it:

I am an over-achiever. Let's just get that out there. You might have been able to figure that out through reading my other posts, or if you know me personally. If you ask me to do something, I will not only do it, but I will do better than that if at all possible. I also like order. I like when things make sense and that's a big reason why I am even writing all of this. For so many young wives, enlisting in the army and sending a husband off to BCT makes them feel like their life is a suitcase that's been dropped down the stairs and all the insides have been dumped out and scattered all over the place. I like to walk up behind you, pick up your things, fold them neatly, tuck them back in, then hand you back your suitcase with a smile, having made sense of it all for you.

So now you will understand, maybe, the range of emotion that has been running through my brain at having such a close homecoming date to hold on to. I have gone from "This doesn't feel real yet," to "I've got to drop EVERYTHING and make the house perfect," to "Forget perfect, I need to finish this project before he gets home because he will totally not 'get' why I'm spending so much time on it and I won't be able to work on it much after he's here," to "Crap. What else about the way I've been doing things is going to have to change?"

Let me clarify...it's not "change" that scares me. We've been married a long time and have been through lots of things that have changed us as individuals and as a couple. Change is just a part of the marital package. What's had me all wound up is the fact that I have ordered my life in a very intentional way that makes sense to me. I have priorities--for me, they're spiritual things (church is where we are on a Sunday morning; yes, Bible study is an hour away twice a week but I wouldn't miss it for ANYTHING, if there is a social thing or a service thing going on with church, I do my best to be there). Doing life this way is how I feel I am being obedient to God (maybe if you're not a person of faith you have nothing to relate this to, but maybe you do, so I'm just going to put it all out there).

A couple of days ago, I had this raw, panicky thought: how do I continue to live in what is, for me, a God-honoring way, when I now have to share my daily life and these priorities that I have had the ultimate say in, with another person--a person who hasn't been on the same journey as I have and who isn't where I'm at spiritually? My husband and I make a really good partnership but my walk with God is something about me he appreciates from a distance, y'know? Anyway, this thought really threw me for a loop and I shared my concerns with my bible study friends (who are much smarter and wiser than me, lol) and one of them said to me, "Can I say something? You're breaking my heart a little bit by thinking you have to have everything perfectly ordered when your husband comes home. It doesn't have to be, ok? Just take it a day at a time and quit trying to be everything to everyone." I burst into tears when she said that. It was such a relief to hear someone say those words and I didn't even realize that's what I had been doing in trying to anticipate what my husband's reactions would be to the way I'd ordered our lives (let's face it--it's been a year and a half since we sold our house in Kansas City and had anything resembling a normal life as a family unit so there's bound to be some surprises for him), and trying to fit all the mixed up pieces together beforehand.

So, I'm not doing that anymore and it is SUCH load off! I do anticipate that some of my habits will have to change but I will give them up and not require my husband to conform to my routines because it just shouldn't be that way...in my very old-fashioned opinion, anyway. My husband has never been one to aggressively be "The Man of the House" and he's never played that card with me to get his way, but I think deep down, that's what men really are when they are at their best, God-given potential as leaders, lovers, providers, and protectors. I want him to slip back into that role without being hindered by my whining about what I'm giving up. And even though it feels like what I am giving up is good (and I've been fortunate to have the alone time to develop some of the life-long disciplines I didn't have before), I am resting in the knowledge that by submitting to the way my husband wants to order our lives--it's ok, because God gave me my husband and in being a good, and happy, and undemanding, and uncomplicated wife, I'm still honoring God with my life. It will look a little bit different after the big day but I'm not really losing any ground with Him. He knows.

Wowza. That ended up being really long. I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, lol. But I still hold onto the off-chance that there is someone out there who can use this to make sense of their own unique situation and so I'll hit "post" instead of "delete."           

The Big D: It's over

18 October
No words. Just.....          

The end...finally...or not?

This week I am finishing up a nine month study on the book of Genesis.  That's 31 lessons (including 155 days worth of questions), two and a half legal pads of hand-written notes (totaling 77 pages), and 50 chapters out of the bible.  Ugh.  I am such an overachiever.  Seriously.  Who does this?!?

This is all quite a feat considering I moved halfway across the country right in the middle of that nine month study.  Genesis followed me from Missouri where I was a homeless wanderer, to Georgia where I am a temporary resident, because BSF happens to meet in both cities.

When it began last September, I was living in a tiny bedroom with my three kids in my parent's house.  My clothes were in underbed storage, my toiletries in a little basket in the laundry room.  Nearly everything I owned was in storage.  I was a nomad, waiting for the Army to give me back my husband and tell me where I would get to live next.

About halfway through, when Abraham was being told to pack up his family and leave for an unknown destination, I was packing up my family and leaving.  I had never stepped foot in the state of Georgia before.  I had never laid eyes on the house that would be mine.  All we had was a street address and a trip on the GPS that said we would arrive in 18 hours, or about 1,000 miles.

When my study ends this Wednesday, I will be in my own house again.  I actually have a walk-in closet for my clothes.  My kids each have their own room--something they've never had.  My house is twice the square footage of the one we sold in my old life.  I love it.  All those months of waiting seem to be paying off. 

It paid off for Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph too.  Genesis ends with a great climax.  Joseph has been redeemed, he's at the height of power and prestige, he gets to be there with his father, Jacob, who is on his deathbed.  All the pain, and toil, and terrible screw ups are resolved.  They have made sense of it all.  Life is good.  Finally.  God is good.  It's a great moment where you can really see how God has been working all along.  If you've gotten sucked into the drama of this family over the previous 49 chapters, and come to love the main characters and root for the underdogs, you just want to stand up and cheer at the end of this final act, begging for an encore.

And there is one.  At the ripe old age of 110, Joseph uses his precious last moments to make one final request of his brothers.  "When God comes to help you and lead you back, you must take my bones with you" Genesis 50:25.  Since my life has been one giant, painfully obvious metaphor up to this point, I have to wonder...how is God speaking to me through this ending? 

I think He wants me to know that Joseph never considered himself as "having arrived."  Life was good, yes.  They had the favor of Pharoah, they had food, and land, and sheep, and more kids than they could count.  But they were being told by Joseph, "Don't get comfortable.  This isn't the end.  It's not what you were meant for." 

I guess I'm not home yet.  Not just because my house is owned by the government (which it is) or because I have to pack up and move when they tell me to (which I do).  But because God has something better in mind for me, just like He did for the patriarchs. 

How much more exciting is that than a walk-in closet or a ton of square footage?